Sunday, July 27, 2014

Had a life... lost it, had someone I loved... lost her, had a couple friends... lost them as well, had a job... that's gone...

It's almost funny how, when you think you're almost on top of things, the universe comes along and cuts your legs right out from under you... I've fallen so many times I don't think I have the strength or the will to get back up again.

I can't really see the point in trying any more when the result is always the same... someone much wiser than me once said: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome."

I'm tired of it all, the trying, the failing, the pretending, the endless effort, the pain... living... everything seems to take more energy than I think I ever had, I'd really like for it all to be over and done with, now would be the best time, I think, there's no one to leave behind, no one to grieve, or even give a damn...

Hells, if I can find a nice, quiet, out-of-the-way spot no one would even need to bother with anything like a funeral... easily lost, easily forgotten, probably the best way to go about it, I suppose.

I know no one reads this mess of a blog any more so I have no problem posting shit like this... I can pretend like I'm actually talking to someone and what I say doesn't really matter... easily ignored, easily forgotten.

I expect that one day some internet archeologist might find this and give a passing moment of wonder about the pathetic excuse for a person that wrote these few words, but that'll be about all anyone will do... in the long run nothing really matters.

I'm old, I'm tired, and I'm quite useless... maybe it's about time I left this place to make room for someone who may actually make a difference to someone, because that sure as fuck isn't me.

So yeah... see you all around I guess... but probably not.

I need to go find a nice, quiet, out-of-the-way spot to do some thinking.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Things Lost.

She would tell me that she loved me...

I would laugh and jokingly tell her not to say it unless she meant it...

One day she stopped saying it...

And I didn't notice until it was far too late...

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

happy birthday to me... why the fuck am I still alive?

Friday, January 17, 2014

I'm still alive despite my wishes to the contrary... I'm someplace else now, can't say I'm enjoying it all that much, there's nothing to do or see around here... I have never felt so lost and alone and unwanted in my entire life... I wish I had the words to properly express how I feel but if I open my mouth to try all that comes out is just noise, like some lost animal in pain... I've lost everything that ever meant anything to me, love, home, the feeling of knowing someone cared about me, any sense of self-worth I may have had, it's all just gone, like smoke in the wind... still can't really eat but that's ok since I don't have any way to get food anyway... I do sleep from time to time, which is good since, for those brief spans, I cease to be, it's just darkness and peace and I don't exist... but, unfortunately, I eventually wake up... I always wake up and it hurts... I wish I could be angry at someone, but it's just not there, that fire is gone and all I have left is a cold dead weight that sits painfully in the middle of my chest and never goes away... I just hope that some day I can be forgiven... or at least not hated, I'd be happy with that much... to just not be hated, that would be nice... I know it's too much to hope for but it's really the only hope I have left any more and it's a thin one at that... I'm so tired, I think I'll go lay down... and who knows, maybe this time I'll get my wish and not wake up... maybe then it'll finally stop hurting

Sunday, November 10, 2013

More of the same... this life has gotten so tedious I can't bear it any more... I try and try and try but nothing ever works... I feel like I'm clawing at a stone wall with my bare hands trying to get through and all it does is hurt... and the hurt never goes away... my chest has hurt for days but I can't say anything because they'd make me go to the hospital and this isn't the kind of pain a hospital can fix... breathing hurts, it feels like there a strap wrapped around my chest that tightens when I try to draw a breath... I wish it was all over, I can't go on like this much longer... I honestly don't think I'll see the spring, which saddens me more than anything because it's my favorite season... at least I wont leave behind anyone to mourn since no one cares anymore

Monday, October 28, 2013

Another day, the same as the ones before it and the same as the ones to follow... I've lost track really, of how many have gone by... doesn't feel like more than a month has passed since I was thrown out like so much trash... it still hurts... it hurts a lot and I'm not sure when it'll stop... or at least let up enough so I can breathe... my head aches constantly... my legs are always sore... I shower and do laundry but nothing I do lets me feel "clean" anymore, I always feel like I'm covered in a layer of grime, I can feel the grit between my fingers... I'm so tired still, and I can't sleep... I'm hungry but I can't make myself eat... I just want to go home... but that no longer exists for me... maybe one night I'll finally got to sleep and wake up someplace else... I can think of only one place I'd give anything to wake up in... and I don't think that will ever happen... not in this life anyway.

I'm not sure why I keep posting these... no one ever reads this tired old blog anymore... and sure as hell no one cares about the sorry son of a bitch that runs it.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Thank you...

Here's one for the "Faith in Humanity Restored" file... I was recently forced to leave the place where I lived due to some personal issues and my inability to find work and wound up in a homeless shelter, and will most likely be in one for at least the next few months. After announcing this fact to the people of Rainbow Dash Network (http://rainbowdash.net/), a site I help moderate, these people, who are, for all intents and purposes, strangers to me, took it upon themselves to help me to the best of their abilities. With donations, advice, moral support, sending me little odds and ends I may need, and trying to help get me out of the bleak moods my situation gets me into quite often, they've done their level best to help me get back on my feet again. This site, full of complete strangers, gives more of a damn about me than the person I spent the last 12+ years of my life with... I lack the words to adequately express my gratitude to each and every one of them, they're just about the only thing that's getting me through a rather dark time in my life and I will be eternally thankful to them all. I've promised to pay them all back despite their protests to the contrary and I full intend to do so no matter how long it takes me. I just wanted to get this said, though it's a meager payment for all they've done and continue to do for me...

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Spent

I feel like I'm beating my head against the same wall I've always been bashing up against... I keep trying to get ahead, to get a foothold so, I can climb out of this  fucking hole I've been stuck in for years, and nothing ever works... I can't find work, I can't find a place to live, the only people who seem to give a shit are complete strangers on a website who seem to care more about me than someone I spent the past 12+ years of my life with... I don't know what to do any more... I'm following their rules and doing everything they suggest but nothing is working in my favor... I can't take it any more... something has to break and I think it's going to be me... except this time there wont be anyone to care or to try to sweep up the broken bits... I'm so tired of it all, the fighting for scraps, trying to claw my way out of this mess, constantly feeling like I'm shit on someone's shoe... I'm tired, everything hurts, there isn't an ounce of relief anywhere to be found... I'm tired, I'm sick, and I'm just about done...

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I'm sorry...

I try to put my thoughts into some sort of order but they scatter like leaves in the wind... my head aches all the time... everything aches all the time... I'm so damn tired... I never meant to scare or hurt anyone but I can't seem to get anyone to believe me... and that hurts most of all... now I'm alone in a crowd of lost people... I feel invisible and in the way at the same time... I wander aimlessly around the town... once in a while I go into a shop and pretend to be normal for few brief minutes... but the feeling fades too damn quickly... so I wander some more with a fake smile on my face while in my head all I can hear is crying... and the pain never fades...

It's never quiet here... there's always something or someone making just enough noise to make any kind of rest impossible... I just want to sleep and never wake up... I hate my life and what's happened to it... I hate myself to an extent that I didn't think possible a few weeks ago.

I'm sorry...

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Please help!

I've managed to land myself in a homeless shelter, I could really use some help, a place to crash or something... anything. Please, I can't bear this place, I just need a little time to sort things out. Please help me.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Well now...

Hello my little chitterlings, your beloved Baron has himself a new toy...

I've recently acquired (through means best left unexplained) a tablet to play with so, with any, luck I may start posting my random brain dribblings again since this thing makes it a bit easier to do when the mood takes me.

This thing appears to be capable of taking dictation as well... maybe I can finally get some of my rants down as text.

Time will tell...

Till then I'd best start blowing some of the dust off this tired old place and seeing if those reactors are still up to snuff... looks like someone was swimming in the coolant tanks again.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Signs of life...

Somewhere in the dim recesses of an old abandoned factory floor a light snaps on, flickering fitfully for a moment before giving a low steady gleam...

In that yellow glimmer a figure can be seen moving about rummaging through tool boxes and bins, shifting the collected debris off various work benches, keeping things that would be useful and tossing the rest, working through the tasks one would expect of someone getting ready to do a job...

Time passes...

Work appears to be progressing, more lights are lit, casting their yellow/white glare over part of the factory floor, some of the machinery has been taken apart, pieces strewn over the various workbenches and sections of the floor, from somewhere in the back the sound of hammering rings out, the clatter of something metallic being dropped onto the cement floor, the squeal of rusted metal being coaxed into being cooperative, and, of all things, the sound of someone quietly whistling "Winter Wrap Up"...

Saturday, January 29, 2011

I got nothing.

I think it's safe to assume that, for the foreseeable future, I'm not going to be posting anything.

Not that it really matters much anyway, aside from people looking for a certain movie or stumbling across it by accident, no one even bothers looking at this mess, myself included.

I'm sure that, at some point, I may get the urge to try to be funny again, or try to relate a story that may or may not have actually happened, or impart some wisdom of dubious pedigree, or something, but for now... I got nothing.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

From the files of the Black Baron: Casefile #101225 - Lesser Barons

Since search engines tend to bring folks here looking for other items sharing my title, so I decided, in my infinite wisdom, to post links to a few others that share my title... if not my infamy.

Michael Wittmann, German tank commander during World War 2.

Robert Munro, 18th Baron of Foulis in Scotland.

18th Aviation Brigade of the United States Army. (inactive)

The Birmingham Black Barons, professional Negro League baseball team from 1920 to 1960.

Brabus E V12 Black Baron, modified 2010 E-Class Mercedes Benz.

Red Army March - White Army, Black Baron performed by the Red Army Choir.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Technical Difficulties

Due to financial circumstances beyond our control we've already lost our phone & TV, and we will most likely be without internet access for the foreseeable future starting either tuesday (10/16) or wednesday (10/17).

I'll try to get someplace I can check my e-mail when time allows, so if you write to me don't expect an instantaneous reply.

I'm hoping this will be a temporary setback but barring a windfall this will be it for at least a few weeks.

Update (11/23/10): Not much to say at this point, things haven't improved any and don't look to be changing any time soon.

Its safe to say at this point that I hate my life. 

Update (11/24/10): Thanks to the timely aid of a very good friend I'm back, larger than life and twice as ugly... but I do still hate my life.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

All right you primitive screwheads, listen up!

This is a heads-up from your beloved Baron!

On Sunday November 7 at 8:00 pm ET, Turner Classic Movies will be showing the recently refound and restored version of Metropolis, having restored to the film much of what had been lost earlier in the 20th century due to ham-handed executive meddling.

So, if you're a fan of the great grand-daddy of modern science fiction you'll be there on November 7th with popcorn in hand.

Metropolis

Metropolis - The Restoration

Metropolis Refound

Be there, or else.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

And Now For Something Completely Different.

Since absolutely no one has asked for it, but it is mentioned in the banner, I give you...



...an exploding frog!

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Black Baron's Random Fact of the Unspecified Time Period - #33

In California it is against the law for any vehicle without a driver to exceed 60 miles per hour.